July 25th, 2003

fluffy evil!

(no subject)

::purr:: Crossing my fingers for good weather this weekend. Won't happen (30% chance of thunderstorms usually means something falls for sure) but a girl can hope. Started a couple ren shirts outta leftover fabric - thrifty *and* he can't complain cuz I'm being nice enough to make 'em at all. He's getting sponsored into a King-sponsored high shmucky-muck fencing tourney at Pennsic, even though he's no one's student. I dont' know if I'm jealous or not; on the one hand, no one's sponsoring me, and I *am* a student (although my Warder won't be there), on the other hand I'm not good enough - scratch that, I'm not *consistently* good enough that I'd necesasrily feel comfortable in such a tourney. *sigh* It's like parties in high school: I'd probably say no, but it would be nice to have been *asked*. Blar, I guess I am envious, at any rate.

I'm trying to figure out when I started becoming shy again. No one who knows me will really see it, cuz I'm every bit as annoying and opinionated when it's with a person I know and feel comfortable with. But somewhere in the past year I started having trouble talking to people I don't know so well. Like I'm 14 again and the whole world's bigger than me. One of the reasons I'll be desperately glad to be a marshal - always appreciated, don't have to talk much, don't have to beg for fights, still get to enjoy the overall, and don't have to worry about being alone without a clue. It's stupid, I know it is, but it's still annoying. Part of the problem is my constant fear of failure or lookign like an idiot/moron (whether or not I do is irrelevant). I think part of it is that I still don't have a good picture of myself and what I 'am', and so I have a hard time projecting myself as particular person for others to see and react to. If I don't know what I am, how can I expect others to react and how can I judge their reactions? IT's not a mind-shattering problem yet, and the people I surround myself with are generally more than happy to help me open dialogue with people I need to talk to but have a hard time approaching. I just have to find sneaky ways of getting them to help me so they don't think I'm an idiot (refer to above sentences :/ ) Yarph. Oh well. If I can ditch Adrian at Pennsic I think it'll help. I often succumb to letting him be 'front man' when we're together, which does not-a-thing for my self-esteem. If I strike out on my own, I *have* to be my own presence, and that'll be good. I hope he sees it too; I really don't want him insisting on being together all the time, it gets old. Wh, we'll see. :)
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