Jesslin She'Nedra (jesslin) wrote,
Jesslin She'Nedra
jesslin

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Don't make me leave my cave!!

This is so stupid sad... I haven't seen my family -- *any* of my blood family -- for some 10-15 years. There's been some emails, cards, the very occasional phone call, but I really just don't have any burning desire to connect with my relatives. Don't know why, and generally I don't worry about it beyond recognizing that this isn't how most people interact with their folks. Now, though, my aunt is organizing a wedding anniversary for my grandparents (65 years!) and I find that I want to go, if only to put a little face time in before another decade-plus goes by. But man, it is *so* hard to get myself to do this. I haven't traveled alone in that same decade, I'm going to see people that I expect will wonder what the hell I'm doing there (while I don't feel guilty for not visiting, I don't want to face their disappointment either), and I really have no f-ing idea what I'm doing. I'm trying to 'fool' myself into treating this like a class reunion or something - going to see people that I care about but that I don't really have a connection with, because let's face it -- I don't. At least my dad should be there. And cousins I haven't seen since they were preschool, now in college. Augh!!

I tremble in fear, I tell you. why the hell am I doing this? :/ I'm such a midget-brain...
Tags: angst, signposts
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