Jesslin She'Nedra (jesslin) wrote,
Jesslin She'Nedra

Musings and maudlings

So I found myself looking up some old friends... We're talking grade school, in a couple cases, and college. Happily found a couple, especially one from college. He was, it turns out, my first desperate college crush, too, but my habit of being friends first has paid off again, thankfully. If I'm real lucky, he won't remember what a total nutbar I was then...


Looking him up has caused me to reevaluate a lot of the 'crushes' and friendships I had in college.  There's just enough of a pattern that, looking back, I can see a person desperate to find validation through others - a typical pastime for college age people, but through the filter of a depressed mind all that validation took on such greater meaning, along with the terrors of failure and misery of rejection. Everything magnified far out of proportion, and with no perspective to bring any sort of balancing influence. It's only looking back now that I see any real pattern, and that's, what, fifteen years down the road? Although, even in my worst times, I still seemed to have latched on to the people who, even if they weren't the right person, were at least sufficient to keep me going, or to give me the proverbial kick in the pants that would enable me to make the next step forward. I don't know how to thank those people for their help, especially the ones that have no idea they did anything at all, without sounding like a maudling idiot. But I do thank them. A lot, considering the alternatives...


Jack, I'm looking your direction too, just FYI. :)

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Tags: angst, childhood, signposts, via ljapp

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