Jesslin She'Nedra (jesslin) wrote,
Jesslin She'Nedra

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Sheesh! Ain't posted here in forever-more :/ Haven't really had a thought stick in my head long enough to make it here, I guess. Also, haven't really had a Thing that needed long term rumination. So it goes.

Been some weird thoughts running through my had the last several days. Some of it I blame on getting back into fan fiction (seriously, my imagination either goes dormant or goes into overdrive. I do *not* know what the hell that's about.) I've been having Thoughts. Reminders, really, of why I do some things I do/did. Last night's martini-dream that involved a high school friend/former boyfriend was surreal enough to catch my attention. But that's not actually what I wanted to lay out, it's just a thing I'm throwing out to remind myself - my short attention span has *also* been cutting into my posting, after all.

My disjointed thought for the day is trying to figure out where I stand on my D&D group, of all things. Maybe laying out random bits of thought will help me figure out why I'm feeling - disgruntled isn't right, but a little out of sorts about the whole thing. Drastic change of personnel - check; they're mostly friends, but they're *different*, not the people I built up a specific working relationship with for this. Not having A to share the experience with - check; on top of the personnel change, it's still hard not having him to talk to about the game, for reasons that bleed into the next reason. Not being able to role-play like I used to - super check; with new people, *more* people, and the accompanying change in interpersonal dynamics and expectations - I don't get to role play my character any more. It's actually .... depressing, really. And it's a bit of a lie, I'm role playing, I'm just not able to get as fully into character as I'd like, I guess. My DM punked me a little bit by messing with my character's back-story, which was annoying but hardly the first hurdle (not "hurtle", you stupid ficcers...) I've dealt with. But the very makeup of the group, both players and characters, makes it nearly impossible to play my character as I want to - she's supposed to be a little broken, and I can't let that play out because I don't see the rest of the group playing along. Maybe I'm selling them short, but... I really don't think role playing is a priority - or even a thing! - for a couple of them, and for a couple others we just don't seem to have the same idea of how this all should work.

I think part of the problem is that I can't just slip in and out of character voice like I used to. Even if my previous group didn't always know who was speaking, they seemed to roll with it, to know that it was my character that was annoyed and not me personally because of how I pitched my voice or body language or whatever. Now... that's not working the same. Cues are getting lost, it's like I'm not allowed to have a different thought from my character - if she's bitchy, it must be because I'm bitchy, things like that. And sure, a lot of my role playing is probably driven by me funneling my annoyance with the world into my characters so I can get it out my system, so maybe that's the problem - maybe I'm just not differentiating enough. But I don't feel like I *can* differentiate now, as in I'm not allowed to. I can't seem to work out my micro-aggressions in character, which means I'm getting more and more annoyed with the players, which really isn't right.

I guess at the heart of it is the feeling that one of my last escapism hobbies is now failing me. There was a freedom from consequence that let me do stupid things in the name of gaming, let me act out in a safe environment, that let other people help or hinder or just be a ridiculous nuisance and it was all just fun. And if I wanted to let other people take control and just enjoy the ride, I could do that too. I don't feel that right now. Maybe what I was doing was annoying the crap out of other people and I didn't notice. Maybe I'm just not as flexible as I used to be in adapting to other people and how their fun intersects with mine. I'm hoping that's all it really is; it's not like I'm not having *any* fun, it's just not the *same* fun. No surprise, it sucks when you get sucked out of your comfortable spot and have to retool things. And maybe disappointment here is both reflecting on and a reflection of little disappointments and uncertainties elsewhere too, so a lot of this could just be feedback loop. I dunno. It was just a thing I needed to get out of my brain.
Tags: angst, gaming, random thoughts

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